What Do I Have?

Ridiculous. Just look at this keyboard. How can anyone write with all this grime? Seriously, so many distractions. How long has it been since this keyboard was cleaned anyway? How can you stand to touch it? The number pad is so dark you can’t even see the numerals any more. And the ‘F’ keys? Might as well cover them with tape or cut them off completely. Totally useless. What I need is a clean slate, smooth keys, easy to type, my fingers slide from key to key, row to row, without fear of encountering a random stray crumb or sticking to some unidentified residue. Besides, cleaning the keyboard is a great excuse to avoid writing. Take that excuse away and what do I have?